I don't remember a time in which I didn't open discord and it spent the first minute doing this

and still they have hundreds of millions of monthly active users

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WTF do they update? It always looks the same to me.

My friend insist on using it when we occasionally play board games online instead of in person as we usually do, and I fuckin despise it. And you are right, every single time I open it, it "updates" who knows what.

My theory is that the updates it's just a gif that plays on a semi random interval

I use Webcord (hardened Discord) and I NEVER had this happen to me. I am on Linux, but I think it is also available on Win, and prob mac too. Maybe give it a try?

Drives me nuts, similar experience with Microsoft teams if you not a daily user

On Linux they say it's your lucky day because there is an update! and then give you a link to a Debian package for download.

Well, you're one of those users.