Can anyone put together a solid, step by step guide that illustrates exactly what hardware is required, what operating system is required, and any other ancillary artifacts that would be required to circumvent this entire fucking clown show?

I will bet you Satoshis that if that guide is posted to Nostr would get zapped.

nostr:note1hlel86ehk05gh6ew9myf25rrwxwepeagyt7cnlc98jr3w908t2mszewr0k