i just did a podcast, somebody asked me:
in long-term relationships
how to keep the fire alive?
Discussion
and i said…
tell each other the truth
the truth is an aphrodisiac
and managing each other, walking around on tiptoes, and not getting what you want is not a recipe for generosity or free-flowing passion.
you resent it.
you may tell yourself you don't, but you do.
and your resentment leaks out sideways.
your biosphere may need you to come down off your high horse if you're used to being selfish and irresponsible.
or your biosphere may need you to come up out of your fear and take some chances.
that said, i have empathy for why you don't take your partner on.
and the reason why you don't take them on is because it doesn't go very well when you do.
fair enough
maybe it doesn't go very well. you can’t solve issues with your partners—go to therapy and get some help?
but before you do that....
how sophisticated are your skills?
are you really asking your partner for what you want?
or are you, if you're honest, mostly complaining about not getting it?
that's what most of us do in this culture.
we wait for our partner to be spontaneous.
when they fail, we share with them our negative feelings about what a jerk they are.
and therapists are along for the ride, encouraging this nonsense.
that is the worst behavioral modification program i've ever heard of.
i have a simple three-step method for leaning in, getting your partner's attention, and then schooling them.
now that you get it — that this is important to me — let me teach you.
let’s roll up our sleeves, and let me help you deliver for me.
let me teach you what i want
let me encourage your progress
these are steps that no one has taught you.
you didn’t learn this in your family.
you certainly didn’t learn this in the culture you grew up in.
speak up for yourself
with love
in our current culture, you can either be accommodating, connected, go along to get along—“feminine”
or you can be assertive, independent—“masculine”
but you can't be both at the same time.
when people assert themselves, they're often not very loving.
but, we can learn loving power, how to lean in, ask very directly for what we want, work together and teach our partners to deliver to US
we deserve to have anger out of our relationships.
we deserve to be able to talk to each other.
we deserve to be united.
we deserve a good fucking life.
i love you.
you love me.
how are we going to make this work?
we can learn to get what we want by standing up for ourselves with love, cherishing our needs in the same breath.
do you know how to do it? i doubt it.
can you learn? easily
does it work? much better than what you're doing now.
come and learn how.
we can learn to get what we want by standing up for ourselves with love, cherishing our needs in the same breath.
when Partner B starts giving Partner A what they want, does Partner A usually swoon in their arms and say thank you, baby?
relational power is this
1. own your right to go after what you want
( and go after it )
( particularly for women )
2. once you are heard
( stop being aggressive / stop complaining )
3. encourage them, don’t discourage them
own your right to go after what you want.
that is NOT selfish
( that’s what traditional roles teach you )
it’s in your interest to take care of your biosphere
you are in it
so, wake up!
cinderella is dead
if you want it, you have to fight for it
nostr:nprofile1qqsgydql3q4ka27d9wnlrmus4tvkrnc8ftc4h8h5fgyln54gl0a7dgspp4mhxue69uhkummn9ekx7mqpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qgmzvsy nostr:nevent1qqsdg7jxamlt8jw366r9p22u4wxe7s5urc56rh5pj9g7v440pg4vkdcprfmhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuumwdae8gtnnda3kjctv9ukqmqhmrw
BITCOIN wins and all of US win nostr:nprofile1qqsgydql3q4ka27d9wnlrmus4tvkrnc8ftc4h8h5fgyln54gl0a7dgspp4mhxue69uhkummn9ekx7mqpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qgmzvsy
can we schedule a conversation now?
i don’t want all men to be strong
i want all of us to be strong
and all of us to be strong and open hearted
truth