I think it's called the prayer of st francis of assisi that goes something like "grant me the ability to change those things i can, to endure those things i cant, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two."

if you're a survivor, you'll notice what works, e.g., how to cheer yourself up and not let stuff you can't control get you down, but as others have written, some stuff just has to be endured.

i don't know about you, but i want to strong enough not to be defeated by my own sadness, for my own sake and also so i can continue to be a support for those who rely on me, but i also dont want to become numb, cold, or uncaring.

so i would feel good about yourself if you're sensitive enough to care but have the practical survivor instinct that keeps you from caring so much it becomes dangerous. it may be a little like distance (maai in japanese) in martial arts: there's sort of a natural safe or comfortable distance: too close and you cant move fast enough to defend yourself; too far and you cant engage without overextending.

for me it is not pain but meaningless pain that is hardest to bear. if someone has hurt me (not that they necessarily have deliberately hurt me) but i can do a good thing for them and for myself by enduring it (and i have it in me to bear it!), then sometimes i think to myself "i dont care how bad it hurts, let the pain come if it's going to".

i mean, of course i am not deliberately trying to make things more painful than they are; rather, the idea is that i want to remove the grip that pain has on me and not let it manipulate me (at least to the extent that i am brave enough to pull this off!).

there's a fourway thing that the buddha said that goes sthg like:

"just because a thing is painful does not mean it is unwholesome;

just because a thing is painful does not mean it is wholesome;

just because a thing is pleasant does not mean it is wholesome;

just because a thing is pleasant does not mean it is unwholesome,"

even though we cant always control whether we are happy or sad now, it is a mistake to feel helpless, because whether we will be happy or sad in the future depends on what we do now.

it may not be easy to see how this happens, but even just believing that it happens for a reason and trying to figure out how it all works is itself a wholesome and healthy action that will be a cause of future wisdom and happiness.

lately i've been listening to this monk. i apologize in advance if you dont share my interest in religious-sounding things, as i know anything that sounds even faintly religious can trigger some people. i try not to be biased either for or against but just try to understand and use what's helpful.