thank you, Dan~!! for the appreciation and the questions.

first off, i don't think that your questions are dark or selfish. i think they are deeply human. this kind of thought pattern is something i struggled with for a time—i kind of feel like we all do to a degree. but let me jump in and see if i can articulate a useful answer.

okay, so on the outside the ritual may appear as an act of service—i'm massaging Her feet—but really it's a moment of deep connection. the act is reciprocal because i *want* to be there, and i receive acceptance, validation, and Her presence.

it may take a bit to wrap your head around because of the nature of our dynamic, but, ideally, my service to Her fulfills Her, and Her acceptance of my service fulfills me. if She said to me one night "you look tired. take a break this evening," i would feel disappointment—even if She is genuinely looking out for my well being. because it means that much to me—to be close to Her, to provide comfort for Her.

i try not to think in terms of balancing, or buckets, or anything of that sort. because it leads to thoughts of resentment over time. love can't be quantified, and therefore shouldn't be balanced. scorekeeping, imo, is detrimental and makes the relationship transactional—you do that for me, so i do this for you—i don't view this as meaningful love. what i'm referring to is a shift in mindset where your prioritize loving your partner as much as you possibly can in the manner that makes Her feel loved unconditionally.

it takes a great deal of trust, but if you have a woman who truly loves you (and you know she does because she puts up with your nonsense), then she will absolutely love you back if you're loving her the right way. if you have doubts, if you have uncertainties, that will be revealed and felt in your energy and intentions.

the relationship with my Wife suffered because i took what we had for granted and stopped showing up emotionally. sure, i went to work, paid the bills, helped maintain the home, etc. i served Her in the ways that i wanted, the ways i was "supposed" to, and in the ways that were convenient, but i wasn't loving Her like She needed. the energy became that of obligation rather than love.

when i would burn out and look to reconnect—because *i* needed it—i was trying to reconnect with someone who felt neglected, distant, used, drained, and like She wasn't a priority. and instead of seeing the selfishness of what i was doing, my ego told me that i *was* trying, that i *was* doing all the things, that i was just busy, stressed, and overwhelmed. i became defensive because i couldn't bare the thought of being the person who was hurting Her...

so i guess you could look at it as i "owed" a debt and had to "refill" the bucket. but i view it as something more. i had to make a transformation. a kind of awakening. it was me facing my flaws and taking responsibility for the harm i caused Her—independent of how i felt She hurt me—that broke the cycle. our dynamic, our relationship could only begin to repair when i learned how to love more intentionally and apologize for my behavior.

omg this answer became waaaaay more involved than i intended.

i know my purrspective is a bit different from other men, but i think there are some deep emotional and relational truths in this that are more universal. so i hope this all makes sense. let me know if this answered your questions. ^.^