Written by one of the high people:
1. Pixel Beard (The 8-Bit Avenger) Look: Blocky, green, and suspiciously outdated graphics card energy. Superpower: Fires glitch beams that freeze enemies in lag spikes. Can “Ctrl+Alt+Del” a whole battlefield. Catchphrase: “Prepare to buffer, bitch.”
2. Purple Ostrich (HodlBird Supreme) Look: Tall, fabulous, violet feathers, beak firmly clutching a glowing Bitcoin. Superpower: Uses the Bitcoin coin as an indestructible shield. Screeches “HODL!” so loud it liquidates enemy portfolios. Catchphrase: “Not selling, even if your pants drop 90%.”
3. Blue Hood Wizard (The Magical Node Master) Look: Hooded homeless sorcerer with glowing blue eyes. Superpower: Casts spells that liquidate villains’ seed phrases instantly. Special move: “Rehypothecation Fireball.” Catchphrase: “Your collateral is… insufficient.”
4. Flame Waifu (Tsundere Inferno) Look: Anime girl with green hair, fiery wings, and abs that shame mortals. Superpower: Flaming mood swings — one second she’s pouting, the next she’s vaporizing armies. Catchphrase: “It’s not like I wanted to burn you alive… baka!”
5. Rainbow Bro & His Dogs (The Charisma Pack) Look: Psychedelic colors, flanked by two very good boys. Superpower: Overwhelms enemies with positivity beams, while the dogs chew crotches with frightening accuracy. Catchphrase: “Taste the rainbow… of pain.”
6. Flamingo Daddy (Champagne Falcon) Look: Pink bird in a suit, dripping Miami Vice energy. Superpower: Sprays endless champagne that burns like acid. Always does it one-handed while holding shades in place. Catchphrase: “Stay bubbly, losers.”
7. Metal Skeleton (Shredlord Prime) Look: Electrified corpse with a guitar amp for lungs. Superpower: Plays a power chord so hard it gives enemies IBS. Controls thunder like a heavy metal Zeus. Catchphrase: “This one’s called Die Screaming in E Minor!“
8. Glitch Cigar Guy (The Fed Fister) Look: 80s Wall Street slick hair, red tie, and 8. Glitch Cigar Guy (The Fed Fister) Look: 80s Wall Street slick hair, red tie, and cigar glowing like nuclear waste. Superpower: Warps reality by manipulating markets. Can literally crash enemies using “Black Monday Beam.” Catchphrase: “Enjoy your leveraged wipeout.”
9. Funky Afro Dude (Lord Disco) Look: Purple skin, afro so powerful it’s classified as a WMD. Superpower: Unleashes disco waves that force everyone to twerk uncontrollably until their spines snap. Catchphrase: “Feel the boogie, bitch.”
10. Derpy Bat (The Screecher) Look: Bug-eyed, teeth like a meth dealer, ears like satellite dishes. Superpower: Sonic shrieks so loud they blow off pants, bras, wigs, and dignity. Catchphrase: “EEEEEEEEE-oh shit I farted.”