I think I remembered my sideways answer - it has to do with a materialistic outlook, where through circumstances early in life, I really wanted more stuff than I had, and wanted the stuff other people had.

I'm not going to tie these together very tightly, but something like this is very draining, can be immobilizing, and really shuts you off to many positives. I don't advocate a monk's austerity, but I can tell that moving through these barriers will be extremely important for repairing my self esteem and overall identity.

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