The thing with lightning is that you're going to have to deal with liquidity and opening channels. Supposedly https://github.com/ZmnSCPxj/clboss is good at automatically managing your node, but it requires Core Lightning which is different from the node software that most plebs use - LND. https://github.com/cryptosharks131/lndg is an alternative that runs on LND, but it's not as automated.
Anyway, back to easily running software without a GUI - your best option is probably to set up Ubuntu Server in a VPS and follow nostr:npub1txwy7guqkrq6ngvtwft7zp70nekcknudagrvrryy2wxnz8ljk2xqz0yt4x guide https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCRbH-IWlcW2A_kpx2XwAMgT0rcZEZ2Cg
This is definitely not a 1-click/1-step solution. But you're crazy smart and the guide is really good. Let me know what you decide to go with.
Personally, I think nostr:npub126ntw5mnermmj0znhjhgdk8lh2af72sm8qfzq48umdlnhaj9kuns3le9ll is great. It is GUI-based, but letting them handle the software packages is super convenient and reliable. Good luck!
The actual "thing" with lightning is that the whole thing is the biggest kludge in the history of kludges. It's a Rube Goldberg contraption bolted on top of an experimental, unoptimized protocol. It was from the start the wrong solution to the right problem.
There, I've said it. Give me your hate zealots.
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