it actually now seems to be working, the memory oscillates between about 400mb and 600mb now... i found a good doc on go.dev about it and that's the expected pattern
i lowered the memory limit to 100mb and gc ratio to 20% nostr:npub12262qa4uhw7u8gdwlgmntqtv7aye8vdcmvszkqwgs0zchel6mz7s6cgrkj that seemed to do the trick