What VPS do you recommend? Self hosted, public IP? Or a service like tailscale?

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AWS, Digital Ocean, LunaNode (they take Bitcoin), etc.

Give a search and you'll find many other options

Will checkout LunaNode wanted to avoid AWS, DO, cloudflared or other invasive, KYC'd options, thanks!

I don't think headscale will work over tor, the clients would need to be on tor to connect, which makes tailscale moot. Headscale is meant to be on a public IP/DNS.