i wanna explain, a little reluctant re: personal but, as it relates to the universal, worth saying
~on consent~
Discussion
section a: on fantasies
when im really upset yea i imagine wolves climbing onto my bed to sleep all curled around me cos their instincts are better than mine. that's six ears, six eyes, so many teeth and claws
but if im not really upset, and i wanna fall asleep feeling safe, i just kinda picture the presence of someone in the room awake and working while i nap. specifically specifically the thought is the recognition that im not fully clothed, my legs are any which way is comfy in the moment, and im safe to sleep. it doesnt turn me on. im not wearing few clothes to be provocative. this isnt a sexual fantasy. it isnt a dare. or a challenge. or a temptation. or a test. it is explicitly a safety fantasy. that i know beyond all doubt i have so much trust that this person isnt gonna touch me inappropriately while i sleep.
the safety feeling is that i have someone like that. that is what consent is to me. means to me. that im safe to rest. safe to be in a deep sleep. that someone has my back. that the someone who has my back isnt the threat. isnt the predator in the room. that i know they arent. feel they arent. as a fact.
i dont comprehend words like surrender or submission or whatever words people use when they talk beyond just this. that as a fact i am safe so i can sleep. let my guard down enough to sleep. trust i can sleep. that i will wake up where i fell asleep in my bed.
without something like that there is nothing for me i am interested in having. im not compelled or intrigued by thrills or danger or curious about mysteries or magic tricks. im sure people have different flavors of what they are into.
for me, it is safety.
and yea it does turn me on but not in this safety fantasy. it's more like the only thing that even allows for the possibility that i ever am at all.