My wife asked me to explain UTXOs and force-closes yesterday and just thinking about it got me horny AF right now, not gonna lie.

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Whats a force close? Not that i am trying to make you horny...

I'm already fully torqued.

Force close, as in lightning channels. When something goes awry with the payment, the channel can close on-chain RIGHT NOW at whatever the fees are. It can be brutally expensive and tie up your funds for a while. Plebs should not be running public nodes with lots of channels for this reason. Private node, couple of channels with friends/family, not so bad.