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Another day feeling sicker then shit sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been going through stages in my cycle of #depression I've been through a lot of things some things people should never go through.

People don't fathom how evil their actions can be the effect it causes on another person. I didn't believe #ptsd could have a profound effect I imagined it would be hearing noises & day dreaming of the events. #truthfully it's a lot more then that the best way to describe it is it feels like fingers running across your scalp soothing & relaxing but in that same exact moment of comfort you feel pain like nails digging into your head. It scared me because how do you describe feeling pleasure & pain in the same moment you can't it's like wtf?

I can't tell what bothers me more the soothing feeling or the pain. I can be going about my day perfectly fine nothing wrong & with the snap of the fingers i'm there stuck in that moment it feels like a shock go pull some fake gum i'll wait. It makes me cry when it happens I don't want to cry but it feels like a compultion I just have to.

I spend all night tossing & turning because I can't sleep I feel tortured I keep myself up till I black out because when I lay down as soon as I put my head on the pillow it feels like I just put a knife in the back of my head. Everything just comes surging to the surface & I think it's because laying down head on pillow is a sign of relaxation & comfort it bothers me I can't have it. I'm scared of things that don't make sense because I feel damaged inside.

I try to get by I work make some money not enough of course i'm always starving & lucky to get one meal a day. #America has become more fucked up to Americans & I am the living proof of that. On top of all that the cost of living keeps rising but do our checks nooo. It doesn't matter what anyone preaches crypto that, stocks here, invest there. People who show you rather then tell you are real if someone ain't showing you they are just getting your hopes up.

With my cycles I fluctuate back & forth from wanting to be a progressive person to wanting to die. I been through so much I am convinced that I am on this earth only to endure everyones pain. So many people hurt me, took advantage of me, beat me while i'm down, & i'm just hurt. You know sometimes I wish I could just get a hug. You would be surprised to know I haven't had a hug in 5 years. People have become so shallow & isolating yeah I haven't given or gotten a hug in 5 years.

I wish someone would help me no matter how hard I try it's never good enough & I was not born with privliage like many others. I feel I am a slave everything's out of my control my desires are ignored, I am doubted everywhere I go or dismissed like I am incompetent I always have to prove i'm right & when I am I get condescended.

I really wish I could snap out of this mental cycle because before the bad things happened to me I was fine but now I walk around everyday feeling like damaged goods & i'm not good for anyone or anything. I feel defeated, beaten, & unworthy because I am not loved, cared for, or appreciated. I'm the small percent that slips through the cracks takes all abuse & shit life can give you. Do I ever get a break no it just continues like a domino effect. One day I pray I am free I hope God will bless me & somehow through someway I get a million dollars & then a sign that says now go fix your life around with this for you have endured it all.

Not everyone has parents who love them or siblings who give a fuck about you. Not everyone has money to give you things you need like clothes, food, a car, or socks. Not everyone grew up with I believe in you, I love you, I know you can do it. Some people grow up around I hate you, I can't stand you, imbosile go to your room, I wish I never had you, your not capable of anything, useless mentally ill imbocile.

I never had a chance at the start & I didn't hang with the cool kids because being poor kept me apart even at a young age kids know where the social classes of society are. The question is does anyone in humanity left have a heart?

#sick #mental #ill #will #ptsd #suffering #depressed #needmoney #needhelp #givemehopeordeath #endmypain #hurtinf #pain #painful #Bitcoin #BTC #Nostr #Lightning #Zap #Zapathon #Zaps #Plebs #Plebchain #GrowNostr #Nostriches #Money⚡ #Zapatime #Happy #RideThe⚡ #Zapstr #Plebdrive #Zapdrive #zapchain #bitchain #boost #share #boosted #bitdrive $boost

Mr. Sat Stacker 1y ago

Hang in there brother. I hear you. Your being matters.

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Discussion

Vyram Kraven 1y ago

Thanks I try but it's not easy dealing with this everyday. I try to meditate, medicate 💨, & either one don't work. As far as a therapy goes it isn't free has no guarantee & they want to put you on pills that sideeffects increase the risk of suicide tendencies. I'd rather not do therapy unless it's some here go on vacation for a month & do whatever. I would go sky diving, swimming, try to get a back massage, & hope that over relaxing will somehow defeat this. But the problem is relaxation gets me worked up into this feeling comfortable bothers me because i've been abused so much I feel unworthy of a good feeling.

Most people like to go to bed for example me i'm absolutely terrified really with no exaguration i'm scared to death to go to sleep. I don't dream anymore I only have nightmares & relive all my events every time which causes my tossing & turning i'll wake up multiple times either wanting to scream or just sweating to death. I prefer to stay up & black out because when I do I don't have my nightmares.

I try ratonalization with thought but you can't some people do messed up things because they are just a bad person. It's hurts me the most because I was a very strong willed person but one thing after another for many years I went through a multitude of things. I feel war torn, like nothing matters everymore, praying for my end just to be released from this pain. It took a lot for me to change into this everyday I feel I lost apart of myself i'll never get back.

I try my best to go forward but when I look at my scars or feel my fractured bones it just clicks in my head i'll never be complete again & it doesn't get any easier from there.