Thanks I try but it's not easy dealing with this everyday. I try to meditate, medicate 💨, & either one don't work. As far as a therapy goes it isn't free has no guarantee & they want to put you on pills that sideeffects increase the risk of suicide tendencies. I'd rather not do therapy unless it's some here go on vacation for a month & do whatever. I would go sky diving, swimming, try to get a back massage, & hope that over relaxing will somehow defeat this. But the problem is relaxation gets me worked up into this feeling comfortable bothers me because i've been abused so much I feel unworthy of a good feeling.

Most people like to go to bed for example me i'm absolutely terrified really with no exaguration i'm scared to death to go to sleep. I don't dream anymore I only have nightmares & relive all my events every time which causes my tossing & turning i'll wake up multiple times either wanting to scream or just sweating to death. I prefer to stay up & black out because when I do I don't have my nightmares.

I try ratonalization with thought but you can't some people do messed up things because they are just a bad person. It's hurts me the most because I was a very strong willed person but one thing after another for many years I went through a multitude of things. I feel war torn, like nothing matters everymore, praying for my end just to be released from this pain. It took a lot for me to change into this everyday I feel I lost apart of myself i'll never get back.

I try my best to go forward but when I look at my scars or feel my fractured bones it just clicks in my head i'll never be complete again & it doesn't get any easier from there.