Yeah, it is heart-breaking to think that there could be technologically better solutions available which unfortunately bite the dust due to lack of adoption. Your point about "no-one has it figured out" makes me wonder if that is partly down to barking up the wrong tree! (e.g. ever more convoluted layers built on a fundamentally slow and expensive base layer.)
Discussion
Its a tough problem to solve, no other blockchain is offering up anything better, LN is so far the best we've got, and even that's pretty clunky to manage on your own, but hopefully future upgrades like convenants, channel factories, eltoo make things a lot easier for the average person to get involved
I feel you are pre-judging other blockchains, sight unseen. Yes, there are a mountain of shitcoin L1s and L2s out there, and it is not humanly possible to do due diligence on a large number of them. However, I feel the more intellectually honest approach is to establish objective criteria which any candidate L1 would have to fulfill in order to be worth considering. It feels especially important to keep this avenue of discussion open given that LN is still largely offering jam tomorrow, at least in terms of the critical aspect of censorship resistant self custody.