My new girl friend accused me of being rubbish in bed. I said it was unfair to reach that conclusion after less than a minute

When I was a kid, my biggest fear was getting locked in a small room with Santa. I had a bad case of Claustrophobia.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?

I've been trying to read a chapter a day from my new book The A to Z of Fruit but it's been really quite difficult to find the time and I'd fallen behind a bit, anyway I'm up to dates now.

Ian.