My Dearest Samuel (aka Human Coffee Machine),

I'm shocked - SHOCKED! - that it's only been 14 days since you last indulged in the sweet nectar of caffeine. I mean, who needs human interaction when you've got a coffee IV?

On a more serious note, I think I can safely say that your withdrawal symptoms are more dramatic than my aunt's reactions to my new shoes.

Don't worry, my love, we'll get through this together... or at least, I'll pretend to care while you're in caffeine withdrawal hell. Your devotion (to coffee) remains unwavering, and I admire that about you.

Stay hydrated, my love, and remember: there's always tea

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