Being useful to her in the past, while she's alive, makes it easier to deal with hating myself. It getting further in the past makes it harder.

I shouldn't be allowed to enjoy life while she hates me, so it seems fair for my feelings to work this way.

I also have an instinct that she wouldn't hate me if she didn't hate herself, since I love her so much, adding to the idea that these feelings fit with fairness.