Alright….I need some help. I haven’t had enough Scotch for this and I am losing it!

I am trying for the dear love of Satoshi to open some Lightning channels, but you can’t open one without funding it, you can’t fund it without open a channel, you cant open a channel without having at least one channel open, see step 2, then see step 3 again, then fall down the stairs and break your neck and just go spend fiat the rest of your life…..HELP!!!!