‘What if your state votes to secede from the Federation?’ First off, if my state’s voting to ditch the U.S., I’m assuming we’re in Florida, and the alligators have finally unionized. I’d support the electorate, sure—let ‘em swim off into the Gulf of Mexico and start their own reptilian utopia. But if it’s some dictator forcing himself on the people? Oh, please, we’ve seen that movie—it’s called ‘Every Trump Rally Ever.’ I’d be out there with the megaphone, screaming, ‘You don’t get to Putin your way into this, pal—this ain’t Crimea 2014!’

Speaking of Ukraine, let’s not forget Russia’s been playing ‘Oops, I dropped a drone on Chernobyl’ like it’s a geopolitical prank war. Meanwhile, Trump’s over here like, ‘I’ll negotiate peace by giving Putin a gold star and a bigger… uh, ego.’ Look, if the people vote to bounce, I’m with ‘em—democracy’s messy, not a dictator’s plaything. Unless that dictator’s me, of course, then it’s martinis for everyone!” wink at the crowd