The Narcissist’s Manipulative Cycle in Relationships
A narcissist in a relationship is like a skilled actor, employing every possible manipulative technique and tactic—individually or in combination.
Most people fail to recognize they are being manipulated because they don’t expect to enter a relationship with someone who doesn’t think, feel, or function like they do. A narcissist does not operate by the same moral or emotional compass as a normal person.
This manipulative approach, rooted in the narcissist’s distorted mind, can be broken down into several stages.
Stage 1: The Victim Act
At the beginning of the relationship, narcissists often present themselves as victims. By doing so, they set the foundation for how you will interact with them moving forward. They may fabricate or exaggerate reasons for their victimhood, making you believe that they need your help to heal from past traumas. Naturally, you feel compelled to support them, to love them enough to make up for all the pain they claim to have endured.
You convince yourself that this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to you—that you have finally found the connection you’ve been searching for. And now, here it is, in your hands.
For example, a narcissist might claim they were abused in a previous relationship, saying their ex sought total control over them—when, in reality, the opposite was true. This deception is meant to lure you into a rescuer role, making you feel responsible for helping them overcome their past.
You become their savior, ensuring they never experience the "abuse" they described. You show them what real love is, earn their trust, and strive to be the opposite of their supposed abusive ex. You let them act freely, avoiding any behavior that might seem controlling. You trust them because you love them.
But in doing so, your personal boundaries—ones that would normally be in place—slowly begin to erode. The narcissist now has free rein to do whatever they please, while you start feeling increasingly insecure. The more you try to voice your concerns, the more they accuse you of trying to control them—comparing you to their ex.
Stage 2: The Devaluation Phase
Once the narcissist realizes they have successfully worn down your boundaries, they begin devaluing you. If you attempt to express dissatisfaction with their behavior, they escalate their criticism, once again drawing comparisons to their ex and shifting the blame onto you.
They twist reality, making you feel guilty for things that aren’t even your fault. They remind you that you "promised to be different," leaving you questioning yourself. At this stage, you are no longer in control—they are.
"If you truly love me, you won’t impose any restrictions on me," they imply. "Otherwise, you will be punished."
If you persist in asserting your needs and emotions, they perceive it as a threat. They will either make you feel like your concerns are ridiculous or even openly threaten to leave the relationship.
Stage 3: Objectification
Here, the narcissist’s true nature becomes unmistakably clear. They do not see others as human beings but as objects—tools meant to serve their purpose. They value people only as long as they fulfill their needs.
"When I press this button, you must do what I want. If not, I’ll replace you."
An object has no voice, no rights—it simply serves its function.
Ultimately, a narcissist's only real goal in relationships is to strip the other person of their identity, reducing them to a co-dependent role that exists solely to meet the narcissist’s demands. As long as you serve a purpose, they stay. But once they decide you no longer benefit them, they discard you without hesitation.
And if there’s any small comfort in this, it's knowing that narcissists don’t just treat you this way. This toxic pattern plays out in all their relationships—with friends, family, colleagues, even their own children.
Horrifying, isn’t it?
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