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Sending good wishes and sympathy!

I've (professionally) coached folks through some of these challenges and will put a few suggestions in a reply to this post.

FiddleHodlHomestead 1y ago

I have no experience with drug addictions, so these suggestions can apply to other addictive behavior but not sure about hard drugs. Some folks use them successfully for alcohol but I haven't coached that.

Rather than think that you have to heal past trauma (which is likely an overwhelming thought and tends to make us spin in more unwanted behavior), you can make a plan relative to the behaviors and allow the feelings that come up when the plan and your cravings collide. Simple in theory, challenging but effective in practice.

An example with addictive/emotional eating: make a detailed explicit plan for tomorrow's food. Generally best not to make it super austere, just something you'd like to stick to tomorrow.

Tomorrow rolls around, and let's say that all is well - you've followed your plan to a T - until it's 8pm and you desperately want the snacks that you usually have around that time. Your brain is used to the dopamine hit, your body is used to the sugar, and everything in you is screaming that you MUST have the snacks.

That feeling of desperation is just a sensation in your body. If you sit still for a moment you can start to identify it: tightness in the chest, a feeling like someone is pushing closed the entire upper part of your back, rocks in your stomach... something like that.

Here's the good news: the feeling rarely lasts more than 90 seconds and it's usually around 60 seconds. Your brain will tell you that it's an emergency, that the feeling will surely kill you, but you can learn to just sit and allow the urge to move through you. Don't analyze it (not "this is because XXX"), don't fight it, don't argue with it, don't mock yourself for having it, don't try to distract yourself from it. Just allow it.

Over time - as you practice allowing those urges without acting on them - they start to lose power. You basically re-train your brain so that it stops interpreting the denial of the urge as an existential threat. People who practice this find that they can allow intense feelings even while going about their day, but in the beginning it helps to stop everything and just sit gently with yourself as you let the wave move through you.

If allowing the urge seems unbearable, get curious about the feelings: the sensation of rocks in your stomach - what color are the rocks? what shape? are they round or jagged? And so on. It keeps you in an observer state without resistance.

I've seen this work for porn, eating, destructive relationship habits. I know that it can work for alcohol but haven't seen it directly. The benefits go beyond the dissolution of the habit; you start to develop a kinder relationship with yourself based partly on respect and gratitude for keeping your word to yourself (by sticking to the plan).

The 24 hours in advance is important because you need enough distance from the urges to be thinking clearly about what's in your best interest.

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Discussion

2b638c34... 1y ago

Hard to put into words how much I appreciate and relate to this guidance 💜

For me, it’s not as much a dependence on a particular substance or behavior, but a predilection toward various ones. Learning about the internal states that cause me to reach for whatever that escape may be.

I’ve done some work in the past around sitting with myself in those uncomfortable moments, but I’m out of practice when it comes to interrupting the more compulsive responses.

Thank you so much for your support 💜

2b638c34... 1y ago

In your coaching/experience, how do you usually advise someone with a variety of addictive behaviors? Ie working on the most damaging thing first, or working on “everything” at the psychological habit level?

FiddleHodlHomestead 1y ago

I advise clients to work on one thing at a time. It can be what you perceive as the most damaging behavior, but you can also choose the one that feels most manageable to tackle.

It may seem odd, but the order doesn't really matter. The skills you develop in one area will eventually help in others. What matters is that you pick one and stay on your own side as you move through those feelings/urges.

Good luck! it's definitely do-able. I probably said this above, but I wouldn't approach this as needing to resolve all past trauma to address the behaviors. That will feel impossible! You can be someone with a rich and messy past who has destructive habits and you can be someone with a rich and messy past who doesn't have destructive habits. It can be helpful to get therapy for trauma (that's not something I do) but addressing your behaviors doesn't depend on it.

2b638c34... 1y ago

Hey, thank you for so many thoughtful and helpful answers. I’ve spent a fair amount of time working with a great therapist on “old stuff” and have some practice with the self-love and understanding methods. Of course, there are significant aspects of myself that still need a heck of a lot more of that.

I’ve spent the last couple of days sitting with some of these impulses and noticing (and note-taking), to try and stabilize and get more present and less reactive to certain inputs. I feel like I’ve identified the stuff I need to change/heal the most, so definitely focusing on those. It’s also stuff I have less experience working with and have only very recently begun to understand better.

Thank you again 🤍🙏🤍

FiddleHodlHomestead 1y ago

Also -one thing I forgot to mention: the plan should be written down and each guideline extremely clear. Clear enough that following it is a simple yes or no and could be objectively verified.

Figure that when you’re clarifying your intentions 24 hours in advance, you’re tapping into your ability to think in terms of your long-term well being (your future, including how you want to your actions to support your loved ones, etc). In the moment of dealing with the urge for the destructive behavior, it’s almost a different you: your primal or lizard brain is in control. It interprets the impending discomfort as true danger and it will rationalize, justify, wheedle, bargain etc in the moment to get the dopamine hit it thinks you need.

So it’s important that whatever plan you make in advance is so clear that there’s no possibility of blurring the lines in the moment.