So I uninstalled again, rebooted, and went into device drivers, and windows had slotted in 23.8.1 WHQL. In almost zero time. Steam worked. The game suggested upgrading from 23.8.1 to 23.9.3, which I of course didn't do.
Have you ever wondered why windows can install the graphics driver in fractions of a second, but AMD takes 5-10 minutes to do it with their adrenaline thing? Because I sure the fuck wonder that. Is it just doing nothing and advertising at you?