My daughter is 12 years old turning 13 soon.

My wife’s been struggling with letting her walk home from school and go places around the neighborhood with her friends.

So we finally caved on getting her a phone as a trade off to letting her have more independence.

We let her have a cell phone with the following rules:

-it’s our phone not hers

-she has to keep it charged and keep it with her when she’s not home so we can see where she is.

-she has screen time limits of 5:30 daily

-she has to answer when we call

-she acknowledges that we will be monitoring her messages and communications for her safety.

-she can’t use social media apps like tik tok, Snapchat, Instagram, etc.

-wear a whoop so we can encourage each other to be active and not let the phone give us bad physical activity habits.

So far so good, but I’m worried she’s not active enough already before getting her the phone.

Since the pandemic we kept her home from school so she would not have to wear a mask all day.

She developed poor habbits because all of her physical activities (hockey, karate, school) went out the window.

She wanted a dog forever and we finally capitulated because she promised to take care of him.

I thought she would be able to go on lots of walks etc with the dog … but he was a demon for the first year and we still have all the scars to show for it.

She is back in real school this year which has been great for her mentally and physically, but since the pandemic she only seems to be interested in playing games with friends, listening ti music and drawing … she plays hockey once a week still but quit karate.

I bought a meta quest to try to encourage more physical activity in games, but she got tired of that quickly and didn’t really give anything but beat saber a shot.

I don’t want to force her to enroll in physical activities, but I’m looking for tips on how to navigate this over the next couple of years as she becomes a young woman and more independent and opinionated.

She’s a great kid, does well in school independently and doesn’t get into trouble.

Anyone have any good resources for how to be a better parent and how to raise a teenage girl the right way?

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untangled by lisa damour

Purchased, thanks!

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Would you recommend the free range kids book?

I haven't read their book, so can't give a recommendation one way or another. One that really helped my wife and I was "Hunt Gather Parent" though admittly our kids are much younger than yours but that one was a game changer for us.

Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CQBB11F?ref_=cm_sw_r_apann_dp_EPZG7DQ6JQK7E6F5F9PN

Bro I have no idea but reading this I am sure you are a good dad and you’ll do just fine :)

Can't fight technology forever. Can be a personal example. Can spend time together. Can train social media algos together :-)

Sounds like you're doing great. None of us get a manual. Sometimes kids do a 180° from where they were, or switch "roles" with a sibling.

I have enjoyed some great wisdom from a clinical psychologist and father of ten.

Two of my favorites are Discipline that Lasts a Lifetime, and Advice Worth Ignoring: How Tuning Out the Experts Can Make You a Better Parent. Love his sense of humor too. https://a.co/d/factv5O

Which is your fav?

It's been a while since I've enjoyed either. Tough call. Maybe see if you like him first. Sample one of his live (albeit dated) talks. If you like his style you'll hear his voice come through even if you don't get an audio format. https://youtu.be/dKZGW1ZrVqQ

have you / she tried indoor bouldering? i wasn't into competitive sports as a kid, but i really got my teeth into climbing when i found out i could do it indoors with a crashmat and my music and no one hassling me.

We did and she somewhat enjoyed it, but she didn’t want to push herself and when I was trying to push her she lost interest.

Go indoor climbing as a family. Never saw a kid who didnt latch onto it. Lead!

Your pun alone sold me on the idea.

Love that this thread exists. This is why nostr. 💜

Brad I don’t have any great insights, but I’d say get out in nature as much as you can as a family.

Zaps incoming.

Peace

My best advice is make sure she has good friends from good families. Arrange to meet her friend's parents. You can only do so much when they're teenagers, but friends usually will have a bigger influence than you during high school.

Great advice

Yes good advice. In todays world it’s more dependent for parents to arrange friends through your friends. When I was young we just went outside and played with who was around and made our own friends. That’s not the norm anymore.

Even though I have a pretty clear answer in mind, I rather choose to let you come to your own conclusion. Ask yourself the following questions:

Did you have a phone when you were 12?

Why didn’t you?

Would you have one today regarding today’s social life?

What did you spend your time with when you were 12?

What would you spend it with today?

Did your parents know exactly where you were when you were outside?

Did they know who you were talking with?

What about?

When?

Did they require you to tell them about everything you do?

Do you think control is more valuable than trust in a family?

Do you think not trusting facilitates the building of trust?

Do you think prohibiting things works better than empowering other behavior while still giving room for own experiences?

I could go on endlessly but you get the point. Don’t trust verify is good for many things but not for every aspect of life.

You are saying she is a great kid. Why do you worry then? Give her freedom and have an eye on how she uses it. You can adapt if it’s getting out of control.

I have a 7 month old daughter in Toronto and feel your post. Will listen to other in comments.

#[1] what do you think as a gamer 😅

Brad, our kids are born perfect and we try not to break them too much! I think family rituals are important, Sunday Supper (and other nights too), family walks, other activities. I think if she has the feeling she can confide in you, you are doing the right thing. Our daughter has a phone, she uses it too much, but she has an active social group. We have clear expectations around spending money that she has and communicating her where abouts.

Tbh, @bradmillscan

Sounds like you're being fabulous parents! It will work out. 💜

How would you rate your neighborhood on being safe. Is it city or small town . Populated .

Pretty safe, small town - although my truck was stolen out of my driveway last month 😬

What about a reward system for achieving step goals and staying under screen time? Sats to go into a first car fund? I did best when I had a goal to work toward.

You're killing it as a parent congrats. Mine are all different. 1st and 3rd are pretty active, middle (13) is more introverted and likes to read and create art. We sometimes have to pseudo-force to go on a walk with us after dinner or things like that but once we do there's engagement. Maybe non competitive things like ice skating. It's gonna have to be something she finds not something you suggest or push. She'll find it. Love is really all she needs and it's obvious she has that in spades.

11 y/o boy, 12 y/o girl. girl has a phone, boy doesn’t.

i have very similar sentiments to what you describe.

you can be incredibly precise with screen limits within ios, so i feel ok with allowing snapchat… for 20 minutes a day, basically to a least feel collegial with her peers.

activity has always been super important to us (academics too, but you can learn stuff your whole life and it’s really hard to undo the effects of a sedentary childhood), thankfully they are cool with sports. so far they haven’t given too much pushback to the “pick an activity to participate in each season” rule.

it seems increasingly likely that poor childhood screen hygiene will be our generation of parents lasting sin. good luck!