Narcissists often continue monitoring you after you leave them—or even if they discard you—for the following reasons:
1. They Want to Keep You as a Backup Option
Whether you left them or they left you, one thing is certain: they already have a backup supply, even if it's just their flying monkeys. Narcissists thrive on having multiple sources of validation. Once you're gone, it becomes a matter of rearrangement. Someone else moves into the primary position, another into a tertiary role, and so on. If you remain connected to them in any way, it makes it easier for them to access you in the future when they need to use you again.
2. They Enjoy Watching You Suffer
Seeing you struggle provides narcissistic supply. Even if you initiated the breakup, you’re likely going through emotional turmoil—crying, feeling down, withdrawing from social interactions. You might find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, fall behind on projects, or lose your composure in public. Some narcissists feed off this, as it inflates their sense of importance. They love knowing you're suffering without them. After all, in their minds, you deserve it. If you start to heal, they will sense it and may try to devalue you again—perhaps even manipulate your moments of weakness to pull you back in, only to discard and punish you once more.
3. They See You as an Object—Something They Own
Narcissists don’t view people as individuals with emotions, hopes, and dreams. They see them as objects. Even if you’ve made it clear you’re done, they may still perceive you as their possession. Watching you is their way of keeping tabs on what they consider "theirs."
4. When They Can’t Control You, They Try to Control How Others See You
This is a form of damage control.
A narcissist fears exposure—the unmasking of their true self. Now that you’re gone, they’re terrified their fabricated version of reality will collapse like a house of cards. How can they maintain their idealized self-image if you've left? In their mind, you become “all bad.” They need to know what you’re saying and doing. They look for ways to discredit you, paint you as a liar, and smear your reputation to others.
Does a Narcissist Hope for Contact?
A narcissist might expect you to reach out, but they don’t hope for it.
Why do they expect it? Because they’ve experienced this cycle before. They discard you, or you discard them, and after a few days or weeks, you reunite with intense passion and urgency. Even if they haven’t experienced this with you, they likely have with someone else. Plus, they assume everyone wants to be with them—including you—and that you’ll eventually return.
Why don’t they hope for it? Because to them, you were just an object—a source of narcissistic supply. Right now, they’re getting that supply elsewhere, from someone else.
It was never about you.
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