Yesterday was weird. I kept thinking I need to check on the dog in case she needs something. I went to her grave like 6 times even though logically I know she's not going to wake up and need me. My brain just kept prodding me since she has needed me so much for so long now (even to walk to do her business) and it felt like I was disloyal if I didn't sit by her grave.
Today the wind was blowing heavy, the winds of change.
Everything I rest my eyes upon in my house and outside, it seems like I'm seeing it for the first time. I actually think about what I should do about that thing -- clean it, move it, etc -- things that haven't caught my attention in years.
And all the "dog stuff" is being cleaned and packed into a big "dog stuff" box.... collars and leashes, toys, medicines, dog bowls, dog bed.
I did sleep last night, but today is still not normal. I'm getting through it.
I did even get some nostr work done, I finally got an annoying problem sorted, but the details aren't worth talking about.
In a way, as much as I loved my dog, she was really holding me back. Taking too much of my time. Taking far too much of my expenses for medicines and operations. I couldn't travel anywhere. My ability to focus deeply (needed for the kind of programming I do) had slowly deteriorated for a long time due to the interruptions she needed and also the ones she didn't. And so had my sleep deteriorated, especially near the end (turns out she had a lot of nighttime activity I didn't know about and needed me to pick up and hold up her rump so she could get to the places she insisted on smelling... at multiple times during the night... else the barking wouldn't stop).
It is just very different now without her, and I'm adjusting. 😢
