Because you said this stuff I can say that I really relate and you aren't alone. Was also raised by psychopaths. My sister actually randomly came across a quiz that made her realize she was a sociopath and idk maybe the self awareness will help her develop empathy idk 😅 it is very darkly funny hearing her talk about her astonishment about this because it's been obvious to me for our entire lives, bless her heart 🤣

It sounds like your attention is being really drawn to this discrepancy between you and your cousin as a way of identifying a path you'd like to be on. Comparison can be a really wonderful (if painful) way of flagging when you aren't on the right path.

What would happen if you could just throw all the stuff you're unhappy with right now in the fire, and let your life emerge from the flames like a phoenix in a new path of love? It's hard and lonely but I've done it and it's better than continuing to drink poison.

I wish you luck and just know you aren't alone internet friend 🥰