Just coinjoin it

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No, the KYC trail is there. Coinjoin doesn't help shit for that

Yup

Coinjoin is forward privacy.

Curious to know what you mean by forward privacy

They still know how much you bought and will hold you responsible for it.

But you lost the keys or it was hacked and stolen.

Pretty sure the response would be “NOP (not our problem)”

…and the thief seems to have coinjoined my whole wallet… 😭