one frustration i have with matchmaking apps is this:

i find that many people find me quite enjoyable and even endearing to talk to in person, once they actually have a chance to meet me. i can read that from their faces and their body language.

this does not carry across very well in a photo or a short bio.

and in person, i'm quite shy. i need to drink quite a lot to get over that, and still i have to push myself quite hard to have the courage to walk up and talk to strangers in a bar, for example.

i think that's what happened the other day when i randomly ended up visiting someone's house to have a chat.

problem is that i was too drunk to feel anything at that point. coherent enough in conversation, but feeling completely indifferent, and i can't even remember half of what happened.

if they walk up to me, it's fine, but that's a rare event. i don't naturally draw people toward me by just being in the room.

it's kind of pointless to try to socialise if i can only do so when i'm too drunk to meaningfully connect with people.

i asked a psychiatrist if maybe they have something i can take to calm my nerves so i can actually initiate social encounters. she didn't seem interested in helping me with that.

i really hate most doctors.