Absolutely with you.
In my experience, I spent years and years fighting, even to this day, the constant ringing in my mind that sounds like a fire alarm going off from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.
I only just recently started talk therapy after having reached a mental crisis after reaching a breaking point in my internal turmoil no one else could see. And, as you said, I came to realize that my ringing stemmed from a lifetime of internal strategizing in anticipation of all possible outcomes in every aspect of my life within the next half hour to the end of the month. As well as analyzing all social cues from my interactions that took place during the day and days before that. Decades of being afraid of missing words being spoken to me, saying things that have nothing to do with the conversation, being associated with any form of incompetence or lack of intelligence, or receiving emotional or physical abuse by my loved ones or those I respect.
Reason being, I lost my hearing at 2 years old, grew up with a severe-to-profound hearing disability, and learned to interact with my hearing peers by reading lips. Reading every facial expression and making sure to not miss anything for the sake of contextual clues, being observant at all times was my lifeline to being successful during my academia years, despite the immense toll it took on my mental health. I live my days sometimes with my hearing aids & sometimes without. My self-awareness had to expand to fill the room so I wouldn’t be surprised by some unexpected visitors or place myself in danger, thus, left me with heightened vigilance.
I grew up with this ringing and hated every moment of it. I’ve had sleepless nights, pouring every thought and fears into a journal as if I could transfer it out of my mind into paper, and tried every possible way to get rid of it. I was desperate for anything that didn’t involve crossing the line towards alcoholism & illicit drugs. The constant rambling in my mind was like playing chess with myself and no matter what strategy I put up on the board, my opposition was already 10 or 12 steps ahead of me. So I had to come up with ways to be even more prepared so that I could already have an answer for any problems thrown at me. Board exams, interviews, patient interactions, productivity meetings, financial discussions, etc. My life felt dull with ringing galore. It was a battle I just couldn’t seem to find peace in. A battle that almost completely won me over. Until I sought help from a mental health professional.
Since the start of my therapy, I received recommendations to combine antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds with talk therapy and I immediately rejected it. I’ve read too much about the side effects and potential hidden components not shared by the pharmaceutical companies to even consider it. My paranoia absolutely refused it. Until I reached that breaking point.
I’m not here to sway you or anybody reading this when it comes to medications. That’s not my intention. I just want to share my story. Mind you, I spent countless of hours researching different forms of meds with peer-reviewed evidence & had long discussions with my PCP. It wasn’t until after every reasonable alternative was exhausted before I decided to take the combination therapy route being prescribed medication with talk therapy.
Let me tell you, I had my doubts about my symptoms & even considered it to be a form of tinnitus since the onset. But since taking the prescriptions, it was like night and day. That’s when I knew what I was dealing with was a mental issue and not physical.
That’s when I learned, from months of therapy, about triggers and how to manage the symptoms. I’ve come to realize now that the ringing I hated all these years was my brain’s version of an alarm system/defense mechanism in protecting myself from missing deadlines, social cues, and physical danger around me. I just overwhelmed the alarm system all these years that it got uncalibrated & stuck in an abnormal feedback loop. Now it’s just a matter of recalibrating my internal alarm to a more balanced system.
So all in all, there is hope for us. I hope you know you’re not alone. Our internal hardships has helped us reach to the point where at now and continues to be a teaching experience for us in growth.
And I hear you. 🫂
