i'm definitely feeling better, and what flagged it for me was remembering how much i loved this piece of music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyr2Uj3wAj4

it features prominently in the introduction video, which i never watched, of the game Stalker: Shadow of Chernobyl

you will hear what i mean when you listen to it... droning throbbing beat, mostly chromatic percussion, incidental, surprising noises, and a general vibe of dogged determination, idk how else to describe it, steeling yourself to do something, taking full control of your own mind

That's a good description. Is it the actual sound though or it's consistency? Am just curious cause for some reason reminded me of something. Certainly hope this doesn't sound offensive at all but we rescued a dog and it was a runt and scared shitless of anything. It's a visceral reaction to noises that startles him and then he gets very defensive. Am not the only person he's bitten. Tried lots of things and the only thing I found seemed to calm him down was actually extreme exposure to those sounds - cars, motorbikes, the drill, vacuum cleaner whatever whilst being there and close to him to have a presence of calm. I know a couple of people with PTSD from military service and never really thought of this. I imagine would be harrowing at the start but could potentially help. Main thing really is that you've finally found something that works but one has to hope that in future you can heal it to not need the aids.

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yeah it's making me tear up so much