i'm definitely feeling better, and what flagged it for me was remembering how much i loved this piece of music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zyr2Uj3wAj4
it features prominently in the introduction video, which i never watched, of the game Stalker: Shadow of Chernobyl
you will hear what i mean when you listen to it... droning throbbing beat, mostly chromatic percussion, incidental, surprising noises, and a general vibe of dogged determination, idk how else to describe it, steeling yourself to do something, taking full control of your own mind