I'm considering running a relay, but I only want to back up and save my notes and a few friends and family when they finally arrive. Is it possible to configure a relay to discriminate like this?

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That’s more of a question for nostr:npub1qqqqqqyz0la2jjl752yv8h7wgs3v098mh9nztd4nr6gynaef6uqqt0n47m , I’ve never ran a relay..

I think It is hard to hide your private relay address,but you can allow whitelist only to connect to.

Now someone provides one-lick relay service.

https://relaying.io