like major violative of sacred sovereignty very personal it isnt an academic thing
it isnt: oh i read in a textbook some ndns from the plains refused photos let me adopt that posture
dude it just murdered me. & its been a really long time. its in my heart. the pain.
do people know how inconvenient it is to live right by a huge city & not be able to work gigs there without insane levels of stress cos of state violence just one time
no one chooses this
it is really pussy shit
no one chooses this
so yea, inordinate amount of effort
checking that im safe
that im safe to be around
that i dont make dumb choices
can i ever work in the city again?
could i if i keep trying gradually in 3 years from now? i dont know if i dont try
it is either cede the ground & keep getting pushed out & pushed out & pushed out or try
trauma is really complex & often really embarrassing on a very personal level
& i dont care about the complexity or the embarrassment like i care about the third thing it can be: 3. the harm, the hurt, the stress it can cause people i love
the unsafety
feeling like i might be accidentally unsafe
like if someone moves to hug me & i flinch at the sudden movement & they are so wounded i would ever conceive to think they would hurt me
unscrambling reflexes
isnt the work of a single afternoon
trying to have things sorted in coherence
im really really really strong
i dont doubt im strong
but i dont recover fast & flawless from damage. its like a plate that needs to be entirely transformed with the gold cracks or whatever its called. & am. have. are. does.
just sitting on my bed i was really marveling at the paradox of it
like how am i so slow but i also do absolutely everything i can as fast as possible
the moment i am able, actually able, i do
paradoxically secondarily
i did well today & im so proud of me
i didnt panic, i took my time, i ran the tests i wanted to on me for me
but i saw the damage everywhere too
i had to follow my feet back to my car
i gave myself one landmark
no streetname
that is insane behavior
that is so difficult
that was never me
can you picture the task?
park somewhere you've never parked
before & as blindfolded as you can manage make it to your destination
use your feet as eyes you can
you must only your eyefeet will get you back
inside the loudness of the city?
not the woods where feeling your way is all fine can reach out & correspond with everything
my relatives built these skyscrapers with everyone else
like actually directly did
in me what became me
who had who
who had who
to have me
it is also my city
that was my very brave thought that allowed me to say yes today
therefore those buildings that my family physically built cant not be on my side
they were handmade
so how am i not safe there
also my city
me too
im allowed
im welcome of course im welcome
i have buildings that have my back
long story short
whether molehills are mountains
or mountains are molehills
i did everything i could safely within my limits & got out of there as soon as i was thru w/o pushing it which was exactly what i had aimed for
see how far you can get if its only to the bridge so be it
only to the intrepid so be it
park safely & hangout & leave? like dont even get out of your car just chill there? so be it
so many outs
had the reach but wasnt stressin it
did it
cool
glad