Just doing the math to figure out it was 15 hours was a strain. my mind is ridiculously scattered. If I do find a moment of focus, I do so at the cost of completely forgetting about everything outside of that focus, which is very odd for me; I'm used to juggling multiple tasks and priorities.

My mind is attacking itself, of course. I know that, and I know it will pass.

I did two sets of 10 squats (just body weight) last week during the 25 hour stretch. Not really to push through a craving - my cravings themselves are more like fits of frenetic reasoning. Anyway, didn't have any problem doing the 20 squats. The rest of the day, my legs were toast. Like I wasn't at all confident going down (or up) stairs without using a handrail. Just jelly. Next day, definitely painful. Day after, painful. day 3 - mostly better, just a little pain on standing up.

It's been a long time since such a simple "workout" hit that hard. most people are probably like "leg day, bro", but I used to do some pretty serious leg days. I would do squats all the time, just for fun, or even to break up segments of walking/jogging/running.

I stopped because of some physical ailments, and some other priorities. I probably haven't done a real leg day in 5 years, despite being pretty active when I could be. I had some knee problems that really made me shy away from squats over the last couple years. At the same time, I went meat based, lost a bunch of weight, etc. I have the energy now, I've got the knee healthy enough to do body-weight resistance exercise, and my legs have shrunk down to the thinnest (leanest) I have ever seen them. I've been putting off building them back up until I hit a future weight loss goal, but fuck that. I don't like how weak my quads look, so it's time to push them a little bit.

Apparently 20 squats is more than a little bit. Fuck. I'll do it again with 10 squats.

Just shit I wanted to share. Cheers fam.

16.5 hours. now comes the tough part. wife home from work, she smokes so ciggies are easy to get from her. Just got to make it through the next 5-7 hours and I will be asleep and ok for some hours. But I need to make it through the next hour first, and the next minute before that.

So, I don't normally have anxiety, but nicotine withdrawal gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach (actually, maybe more just a tightness or emptiness in my chest in general) that I can compare to similar physical anxiety symptoms. It feels similar to hunger, so I want to feed it - but it isn't really hunger, so it never really gets fed.

I'm sure my normal satiety sense is weakened by all this. I know I'm eating more than usual, but I made that deal with myself already - I'm going to be OK with eating things I normally wouldn't, like granola bars, or almonds, even peanut butter and hot fudge, if they are helping get me through the next 72 hours, and really the next 3 weeks. I'm not going to eat donuts, and I don't see most vegetables or fruits helping much. The truth is, I'm not physically or emotionally addicted to that shit. If I fuck up my ketosis or whatever for a few weeks, big fucking deal, at least I might kick the nicotine that I am actually addicted to. After I get past that, it should be no big deal to not eat all the other shit I haven't been eating anyway.

Will any of it really help? Probably not. but maybe it will distract me just enough if I pretend.

I was just thinking - should I go down to the fast food place and get a big nasty bacon cheeseburger? and I know I could. But I think even if I did, I would still ask for it with no sauce or veggies, toss the bun in the trash, and end up eating meat and maybe a slice or two of bullshit fake cheese.

I really liked pizza even, and I would rip the meat and cheese off the top of a couple slices if I wanted some nostalgia. I even ordered a thin crust with lots of meat toppings pizza for Bitcoin Pizza day and slammed that whole thing in my piehole - but that kind of did it for me.

I can't un-know what I know now. Even if I "cheat" or whatever, I know it isn't food, just nostalgia or emotion. I don't see even going back to pretending that I am being healthy eating plants, or balanced anything. I like balancing a pat of butter on my steak while its melting. That's my fucking balanced diet.

I'm not sorry for using certain words. fuck that. I also don't care much about grammar or capitalization right now. and if you're reading this, you already know this is the rambling of a poisoned mind.