I mostly use 0x but accidentally used Amethyst for a reply and it ended up not being incognito despite our previous chats being incognito with 0x. Is there someplace I can make amethyst incognito by default?

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If it wasn't, the 0xchat is not setting the DM of your friend per spec. Or there is a bug somewhere.

Either way, Its not a good idea to not know which relay is being used if the DM relays aren't there.

I was able to manually enable incognito mode in Amethyst. Looks like it was just something with one contact now that I'm on the latest version. 👍

Get him to add DM relays to his account.