Part 2
#ssriwithdrawal #lackofinformedconsent
I tried four times to come off of the SSRIs. Each time things spiralled out of control. Horrible panic. I couldn't leave my apartment. I would spend literal hours listening to Calm meditations every day to try and find some kind of peace from it all. These symptoms were nothing at all like my original "condition". Yet every time, the doctor would tell me I was relapsing and needed to just take the meds.
So I'd go back on, because I couldn't live with what I was going through.
The last time I tried to come off was the worst. I ended up with severe insomnia. For about 3 months I averaged about 2 hours of sleep a night. I would wake up with nocturnal panic attacks. I could barely keep food down. I lost a huge amount of weight. (Even though I'd love to lose the weight I gain on these meds... I lost SO much weight). Then the akathesia started. I couldn't sit still. I would just run on the spot for hours a day to try and just turn off the strangest energy coursing through my body. It felt like my body had an electrical fire going on. It was the most terrifying experience of my life.
So once again... I went back on the meds. It took about a month and I stabilized. I still have issues sleeping. But it's drastically improved.
But being told this was just relapse infuriated me. It made no sense. So I started researching. I read and read and listened to podcasts. I came across Dr. Mark Horowitz and Dr. Josef. I found stories of others who had experienced ssri withdrawal. It finally all made sense.
The next step... Was getting the courage to talk to my doctor and convince him what I knew to be true. That doctor's appointment went sideways. But had a positive ending. I'll share that in Part 3.