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I’m starting to learn this too. It’s difficult to not intervene (more so for my wife) when they fight. And sometimes it gets so loud I feel like I’m being assaulted.

Fischl 1y ago

I thing about it like this now - the fighting is mainly due to status/hierarchy. The older one needs to establish (and secure, secure, secure...) his/her postion as first born. The younger one loves to challenge that. Seems so archaic, bit isnt this how we are wired psychologically?

I guess as a father I would start to think hard, if I noticed that the older one would pick fights constantly that are utterly unprovoked (and, dont be fooled, those younger ones are usually experts in challenging their older siblings in VERY subtle ways!).

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Discussion

Manbyt 1y ago

I had to laugh because this is so right, the pecking order needs to be established. I’m comforted by the fact that they show great concern for the other when one of them really gets hurt during rough housing or other types of play.

Fischl 1y ago

Yeah! I love to witness that, how can they fight so hard and then care so lovingly?! What a rich emotional life, no?

Manbyt 1y ago

They are unburdened by what has been.

Manbyt 1y ago

It’s also nice to see that at their unschool they are also given space to figure this stuff out, along with tools ( such as talking circles) to resolve issues together with adults. Sometimes the thought of a talking circle will be enough to dissuade them of antisocial behiavor. #parenting #unschooled

Fischl 1y ago

Haha! That last point "the thought of...". Not sure if that is a good thin? Not being rhetoric here, but actually wondering. Is it a penalty? And: I am very familiar with this phenomenon from the free school space. As an adult, what do you do, if a child did "misbehave" and when it comes to the point, where you want to adress it, you realize that he cannot stand the "standard procedure" you put in place? I guess its a problem of oberly elaborate "standard procedures"?

Manbyt 1y ago

I agree, the difference between a consequence and a penalty is a slim one and often depends on the accused’s viewpoint. I’m beginning to understand that we have a different set of standards about the world than kids, and a lot of the time they “get it” before we need to intervene or have a discussion.