Most relationships with narcissists tend to follow a predictable pattern known as “Discard” or “Hoovering.” In the discard phase, the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship without warning, leaving their partner feeling confused, hurt, and rejected. Later, during hoovering, they often reappear, attempting to win the victim back in order to regain control.
At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists usually idealize their partners, putting them on a pedestal. But over time, they start to devalue and eventually discard them. This shift can happen suddenly, with no clear reason, depending entirely on the narcissist’s needs and goals.
After discarding someone, a narcissist may try to re-enter their life, promising change or using manipulation to lure them back. This cycle makes it incredibly difficult for the victim to move on, especially because narcissists can be extremely charming and skilled at emotional manipulation. Their tactics may include gaslighting, emotional abuse, or even physical abuse.
In short, relationships with narcissists are usually chaotic and end abruptly, leaving victims with deep feelings of confusion, hurt, and abandonment. And if the victim tries to leave first, the narcissist often attempts to pull them back with promises, guilt, or manipulation.
At the end of every relationship, narcissists will blame you for everything—no matter what they’ve done. They may have verbally or physically abused you, damaged your property, stolen from you, or destroyed your reputation. But in their mind, you are always the problem. This is because narcissists are deeply rooted in shame, and blaming others is the only way they can avoid facing that shame.
This is their survival mechanism. Criticism—no matter how constructive—feels like an attack to them. It triggers shame, which quickly turns into rage. Their reaction is to lash out and try to destroy you. That’s why you can’t reason with a narcissist or hope they’ll take accountability.
Narcissists cannot tolerate feedback, but they demand authority and control over others. Power makes them feel important and in control—yet the irony is, the only reason they crave control so desperately is because they don’t have it in their own lives. They refuse to take responsibility for their choices, so instead they dominate others, becoming the judge, jury, and executioner.
The real issue is that narcissists lack genuine self-respect and self-love. Because of this, they cannot show love or respect to you. That’s why the relationship plays out the way it does. Their immaturity and insecurity mean that, in the end, they will always shift the blame onto you. They’ll hold you accountable for their mistakes, smear your reputation, and convince others to believe their story. It’s easy for them to do this because the abuse usually happens behind closed doors, where no one else can see it.
To the outside world, they’ve already manipulated everyone into believing they are the “good guy”—the Samaritan, the victim, the one who gave everything. In reality, this is simply their way of securing a steady supply of attention, validation, and resources.
#narcissisticabuse
#youarenottoblame
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