When you buy a 0-conf channel from an LSP how soon do you expect it to confirm on-chain?

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It kind of doesn't matter, as long as you're tracking it and ensure the tx gets mined. If I want to close the channel before it confirms, then I should pay the appropriate fee to get it confirmed which will carry the channel tx.

Let's say 1 week.

a trick question?

No sir.

Are zeroconf channels openings even published onchain? What does zeroconf mean then? I thought it's only after channel closes it gets published

It gets published right away. It just gets accepted by the client without confirmation

We typically call channels that aren’t broadcasted ‘trusted’ channels

~10 minutes

If I am paying for it, I expect it to confirm right away (1-2 blocks).

But I would love a lower cost option with a lower fee that is expected to confirm in the future.

If someone wants to set up a channel before the farmer's market season, no rush, make it cheap.

But if I am opening the channel the morning of the market, I need it confirmed before the market opens.

Immediately. The LSP should know a secret backdoor on sha256 that allows it to find a preimage without the need to roll nonces. I don't accept less