what it is
to be in a space where no one speaks in a language i comprehend
what it is to listen to lyricless music
free of storytime
free of any tales
hookless
such a mood
eagles soaring lazy spirals
not a care
Discussion
& yet what would this mood even matter or mean to me
if i wasnt comfortable seeing a stranger
that i chose to engage with
who felt fine who is there in these woods every day so she could show me a new path by the creek i didnt know before
indigenously obligated, not bound
but it is natural to me
she was so considerate to say: watch your step here
such a grandmother
& i did have to tell her at a precarious part: ive got you
cos she did start to slip
am i naive?
am i crazy?
or would it be crazy to refuse myself what feels comfortable to my senses & fine in my heart. what was unsafe? if she asked a question i didnt want to answer, i would not have.
she didnt say: take a walk with me
i just started strolling with her cos she knows the place
trying to say, in many words for gentler landing, on capture: overpatterning is capture too. making meaning can be an addiction like anything else.
i got to have a walk in the woods with a stranger & her dog & we talked gently about america & i got to hear her thoughts on culture
she even showed me a picture of a kardashian & asked me about plastic surgery. did i know it was years of accumulative recovery time?
no.
but to be quite honest, neither does she
cos medical records are private.
i let it pass unremarked as more of an archetypal thing
no i didnt know
i spend zero time contemplating the down time of someone recovering from elective surgery
ive had surgery
i would never elect to
8 weeks of bullshit in a cast bandage thing elbow the staples
i was sad, culturally
that this was an aspect of what came up
vietnam war & hey also, plastic surgery
but it made more sense after awhile cos she was once a stylist in the city. so like, fashion is more on her mind than other elders who lived thru vietnam
fair, she was in the industry
ok not that weird to mention then maybe she ideates on that a lot
couldnt be me
like when was the last time i was at the doctor
yea i go to the dentist
they badger me & each time i go they dont let me leave w/o setting the next appointment & they send reminder texts
the doctor? for what?
to make sure i dont have cancer?
for what?
if something was wrong => im there
if i break my arm, if i have a pneumonia thats getting worse
thing is, i havent been sick enough to need to
i dont do anything like, 2009? travel vaccines? that honestly might have been the last time
16 years is that possible? might be less, might be a visit i dont recall i was so pissed & shut down to be there. like just survival mode answering uncomfortable personal questions about my sex life
you want to hear free
id rather just die about it all
cold metal inside me?
no.
i'll take dying of cervical cancer thanks
breast exam?
thanks no i'll just have the dying
yea but genetic testing your mom died young of this
genetic testing for what
to tell me i have it or dont for more testing?
no thanks il take dying
be easy be free
take dying over forcing yourself to do shit you dont want to do
i think it is great of me
that i am still allowing this dentist arrangement
i think that is a mighty compromise
that i do my best to be so deeply grateful for cos tooth pain is no joke & so many cant afford to make that pain stop
im saying: translation failing:
indigenously all of this makes me unsafe feeling i would rather die
the doctor process at an appointment is so anti-indigenous as to be violative to such a degree i would rather die
& thats a part of culture in america that almost never gets to a higher level of system plans & healthcare concerns cos not enough people for that to be a demographic worth bothering for