I mean I really dislike ETH but I also dislike the government and could give two fucks less what they deem appropriate

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Largely concur, but securities laws are perfectly logical.

Perfectly logical because why? Because the government doesn't think you know how to spend, move, and invest your own money or how to do your own research?

Correct. Nothing wrong with codifying disclosures. The crypto shitstorm is all the evidence needed to show that retail doesn’t know how to DYOR.