Iris doesn't accept DMs from unconnected public keys, so someone in your network would need to follow it first, which makes it a bit less anonymous.

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Would you be open to changing that if there’s some consensus on using the private dm approach we proposed?

Is this filtering happening on the client level? If so could the client accept DMs from unconnected pubkeys provided they contain a signed invite from someone in your network?

Yes, it could. Shouldn't be too much extra work on the CPU if relays take care of spam prevention.

Like Vitor suggested, it could help for the wrapped DMs to use a different kind so the relays are able to treat them differently from regular DMs, and optimise accordingly.