Why the Narcissist Really Hurt You
When we were first drawn to a narcissist, it was often because we had one or more qualities they secretly admired. They used their false self to lure us in with fake charm, and before we knew it—we were hooked. That’s when the illusion of romance began. But it was never real. The narcissist never intended to make you a true priority. They were only ever interested in what they could extract from you.
That’s the heartbreaking truth: it was never personal. Narcissists don’t set out to destroy someone’s life because they hate them. They do it because you stood in their way. You exposed them. You ruined their perfect image. And so, in their mind, destroying you is the only way to save face.
Their grandiosity won't allow them to be humbled. Admitting fault is unthinkable. And if you dare hold a mirror to them, they resist it with all they’ve got. Their biggest concern is controlling how others see them. So if you’ve "tainted" their image in front of anyone, they’ll try to repair the damage by destroying your reputation. They’ll smear you—calling you crazy, unstable, or obsessive. And if they’re caught cheating, they’ll twist the story, painting themselves as victims or even as heroes helping someone else.
They don’t care how deeply you're hurt. Empathy isn’t part of their emotional vocabulary.
They manipulate others to win sympathy. Some people—especially those who don’t know their tactics—may fall for it. That’s when you learn who your real friends are. Narcissists often can’t even recognize how childhood trauma shaped them. When someone brings it up, they tend to take sides—often the wrong one—defending one parent over the other without true understanding.
If you ever mention they were emotionally abused, they’ll likely laugh it off or turn it back on you, questioning your credibility.
This is why you can’t take any of it personally. Nothing is personal to a narcissist—unless it’s about them. You were simply supply. Fuel for their ego. Nothing more.
Once you've given them love, kindness, and attention, they grow bored. The idealization fades. The thrill disappears. And they begin searching for their next source.
Why? Because you showed them emotions they can’t genuinely reciprocate.
Think about intimacy. The narcissist is usually one of two extremes. Either they were obsessed with sex—watching porn, pushing boundaries, wanting you to fulfill their desires regardless of your discomfort—or they avoided real intimacy altogether. There was no emotional connection, no "making love." Just control. When it was over, they’d turn away, sleep, or ignore you completely.
Why mention this? Because sex is often where you see the core of the narcissist’s dysfunction. They want physical closeness without emotional vulnerability. They simply can’t connect on a truly loving level.
They hated how confident you were—something they lack deeply. They envied your ability to form genuine bonds with others. That’s why they tried isolating you, pulling you away from friends and loved ones.
And yes, narcissists know exactly what they’re doing. They hurt you on purpose. They needed you broken to feel powerful. To feel special. That’s why going no contact is crucial. Never reach out after they discard you.
Narcissists are pathologically envious and jealous. They don’t want to see you happy—unless your happiness somehow benefits them. They’ll devalue your good traits, chip away at your self-esteem, and wear down your self-worth until there’s nothing left.
Deep down, they are empty. And they want their partners to suffer just as much. Your destruction empowers them. It makes them feel in control. In their world, power is everything.
Remember—why were we abused? Because we loved. Because we were kind. And they couldn't care less.
If they’re trying to destroy you, chances are they’re projecting their flaws onto you. All the things they hate about themselves, they assign to you. Your downfall is a price they’re willing to pay to protect their image.
They might envy your strength, your kindness, your ability to connect. And when they realize they can’t possess those traits, they try to destroy them out of jealousy. No one is allowed to shine brighter than them.
They may even try to ruin you simply because you know too much. You’ve become a threat to their false identity. They can't afford to let the truth get out.
They see themselves as flawed and unworthy of love. They loathe themselves. And if you love them despite their flaws, that must mean you’re flawed too. That’s how twisted their logic is.
Once, you were their ideal. You were placed high on a pedestal. But the higher you're placed, the further you fall. The moment you show vulnerability or human imperfection, they flip. You become “bad” in their black-and-white worldview, and they treat you accordingly.
They don’t even need a reason. Hurting people is second nature to them. Ask yourself—why does a snake bite? Because it’s a snake. The best response? Stay away from the tall grass.
If a narcissist ever tries to come back, it’s not because they care. It’s because they’re low on supply. They think they might still be able to get something from you. Don’t be fooled.
Yes, it’s hard to let go. Especially when you truly believed they cared. When you loved them. But eventually, you realize it was never love. It was a game. A game they created, with rules only they were allowed to change.
#narcissisticabuse
#notyourfault
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