Let's say I just started using Nostr after getting fed up with twitter. I know about Matt Odell and I heard he was here. I try to search for him and that's what I see. Wat do?

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You look at the nip-05 identifier and if it's not confirmed, it's not him.

And a new user just understands this inherently?

A new user doesn't know shot about nostr inherently, that's why there are sites explaining it and why it's called the purple pill.

Terrible plan.

Its not a plan, it's the nature of a decentralized protocol. You can submit PRs/issues to apps to add tutorials if you'd like.