Another day at my job. The sun is shining, and that is lifting my mood… at least a little bit 💛

but still, it’s hard for me to get up every day and do a job I really don’t like. I feel stuck, for way too long now. There are days I wake up and could cry, there are days I just fight myself through, and there are days that are okay, but overall, it makes me feel bad. It feels like I am not the person I really am, I can’t express myself the way I want to. I am far away from home. Distracted with things I don’t like. This job is not fulfilling me, and it’s hard for me to not let that affect my private life. I am coming home from work and feeling exhausted, I have a hard time to motivate myself for going outside, caring for my garden, cooking, showering, meeting my fam and friends. All these beautiful things feel annoying. At least yoga is fun atm and releases some tension.

I am at a point where I underestimate my skills. Thats making it difficult to just moving on. I blame myself a lot, for not moving on. Everyday. And still, I am trying my best so the stuff I am working with… works… even with my bad attitude. Something I can be proud of… ugh it’s destroying me. Finding a new job is harder than I thought. The job education I accomplished is nothing I like to do all day, it does not fulfill me. I don’t feel like starting another 3 year job education. I feel unskilled for every job application I am interested in, I am at the beginning of my twenties. My dream is it to work on my own… but it’s much work to actually do it. And that’s where my mind is when I think of the next years. I am missing a lot of energy. I feel weak, like never before. Writing this is giving me energy.

Days like these show me that I have to take action. I am the only person that can guide myself. I am responsible for me. All these negative feelings are pushing me out of my comfort zone, urging me to move. But it is still difficult for me to move on… I don’t know… I am facing one of life's challenges... it’s getting better.

Waking up in the morning and actually wanting to wake up, no more days where I want to bury myself between pillows in my bed. The great amount of love and joy that I feel for life wants to be unconditionally shared. All of that will come back to me. And I am getting closer to that every day. I believe in myself. Push those walls, break through. Visions are highly set.

Any advice is welcome 💜 Thank you for your time. And yeah I know I could be grateful for having a… job…, but… I am fighting here for a really really long time and I don’t know how long I can keep up a positive attitude anymore… honestly I can’t. I don’t like the upset me. I am tired of blaming myself for not just moving on and try something new.

I can’t keep that in my mind anymore so I wanted to share it with the world. Maybe someone is fighting the same fight, you’re not alone and you will break yourself out of these chains, just like me… very soon… building strength. 💜