Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

What’s the worlds longest sentence?

Life imprisonment

“Imprisonment” is more than just a word

It’s a sentence

My dentist is having a sale today...

Plaque Friday

Why did Santa put a "Help Wanted" sign outside of the elves workshop?

He was short staffed

What's Blue and Yellow?

Green

What's the difference between a fox and a dog?

About 8 tequilas.

What’s Canada’s spy agency?

The CI, eh?

My neighbor thinks I spy on her.

I would tell her otherwise, but she’s in the shower right now.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Remorse code.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

I am a social vegan.

I avoid meet.

Why don’t ant colonies ever get sick?

.. because they’re full of anty bodies

I wrote a paper on Socialism

The instructor gave it low Marx, but I'm honestly not sure what other Engels I could've taken

After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

pv ☀️

I've started using a VPN to protect my privacy online.

Now the only people who know what I'm up to are the NSA, the FBI, and my ISP.

I'm reading a book about teleportation.

It's bound to take me places.

I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

Why do politicians always wear suits?

They need pockets to hold all their bribes.