My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology

Don’t buy it!

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

What’s a bear with no teeth called?

A gummy bear.

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap music.

What did the chip say when he saw the cheese stealing?

Hey, that’s Nachos.

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar.

He takes things personally.

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon.

I’m positive I just lost an electron.

Better keep an ion that.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears?

A cursor.

What did the assassin do when he was hungry?

The assassinate.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

I’ve decided I need to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough.

I’ve just handed in my too weak notice.

What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way of getting down a hill?

It’s walking

JK. ROWLING!

Immanuel doesn’t pun, he Kant.