I had a hard time figuring out why I don’t consider cottage cheese truly “cheese”.

But it’s just a curd to me.

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to start doing yoga with her.

I said, “Well this puts me in an awkward position.”

This furniture goes back to Louis the 14th.

Really?

Yes, unless we pay Louis by the 13th.

I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that’s not nececelery true.

Welcome to The Shouting Club hotline.

We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.

I sat next to a baby for a 10 hour flight.

I didn’t think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Why don’t dinosaurs talk?

Because they’re dead.

I was named after my dad.

Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

Seven has “even” in it.

That’s odd.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

#[0]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Flop.

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.

I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”

“Which doctor?” she asked.

“No, the regular kind.”

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa dum tssssss.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

At sundae school.

How does a penguin build his house?

Igloos it together.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.