I put ketchup in my eyes

In heinzsight, it was a very bad mistake

What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?

Jediiii

Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye..

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker

I love eye puns

The cornea the better

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

What do you call a potato in a hotel room?

A suite potato

I bought my friend an Elephant for her room..

She said thanks.

I said don't mention it.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won't admit she framed me.

I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my girlfriend’s room.

I had no idea she was a superhero

My son asked me, is it difficult to spot cheetahs?

Me: No, I think they come that way.

What did the sofa say when it got hurt?

Couch

I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it..

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

To everyone here on Damus, an open letter:

C

Apparently you can't use beef stew as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?

For meatier showers

My last post was a steak joke! That’s a rare medium, well done!

What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?

Prime Rib!

What do you call an overcooked piece of beef?

A misteak

I've just written a book about falling down a staircase

It's a step by step guide

What do you call an alarm that doesn’t go off?

A dumbbell.